REMEMBERBIGTHINGS

If only feelings were not involved… maybe I would be fine. Maybe my chest wouldn’t feel this heavy, like shards of glass buried under my ribs. Maybe I wouldn’t find myself staring at the ceiling, replaying moments that should have been nothing yet meant everything to me.

If only I didn’t feel too much with him. If only I had learned how to hold back, how to protect the fragile pieces of my heart instead of laying them bare at his feet. Maybe then I wouldn’t be sitting here, bleeding in silence over someone who never even asked me to love him this much.

It’s cruel how love grows quietly, how it blooms without permission, and how it destroys everything when it is not returned. He will go on, untouched by the storm that wrecked me. His days will not be haunted by the sound of my laugh, the way his eyes carved a home into my soul. He will not remember the way I memorized his words as if they were sacred scripture.

But me? I am left with this ruin. 

A heart that beats but feels broken.

A body that moves but drags the weight of sorrow.

A soul that whispers again and again: if only… if only… if only.

Maybe it wouldn’t hurt this much.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel like I’m drowning in a sea of my own tenderness.

Maybe I would still be whole.

But I loved.

And I lost.

And now I am left with nothing but the echo of a love that never belonged to me.

-AMS

Maya had always known that her heart was fragile when it came to Fin. He was like the sun.. warm, brilliant, and dazzling in a way that made her forget how easily sunlight slipped away. She knew she was not his center, not the one he revolved around. Fin’s world spun on without her, and she was only a quiet shadow lingering at the edges.

And yet, Maya stayed.

She stayed because the moments with him, short glances, soft laughs, fleeting touches were treasures she could not bear to let go of. She told herself not to hope, not to believe she could ever be irreplaceable. Fin had so many people who shone brighter, spoke louder, lived closer to his heart. She was just one of many.

But when he turned toward her, when his eyes caught hers even for a heartbeat, the world felt less empty.

Maya knew one day the thread that tied her to him would snap, quietly, as though it had never existed. He would drift, and she would watch from afar, pretending she had expected it all along. Still, while the thread held, she chose to stay by his side, however invisible that presence was.

She would smile, laugh when he laughed, listen to the words he never noticed she kept close. She would hold on, not because she thought she mattered more than anyone else, but because these fragile, fleeting moments mattered to her.

Even if Fin never noticed the way her heart bent toward him.

Even if he replaced her without a second thought.

Even if the world reminded her again and again that she was only temporary.

Maya still stayed.

Because sometimes, love wasn’t about being chosen.

Sometimes, it was about choosing again and again to stand beside someone, even knowing you were never meant to be part of their forever.

And so, as long as she could, Maya remained by Fin’s side. Not to be remembered, but simply to love quietly, completely, until the end.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       -AMS

Maya had always believed in love, the kind that makes your heart race, the kind that lingers even after it’s gone. And for years, that love had a name: Fin.  

She met Fin in late 2018. It wasn’t just a romance; it was a deep, consuming connection. They fit together in ways that made her believe in soulmates. But love, no matter how strong, isn’t always enough. Their relationship was a battlefield of emotions, passionate, intense, and ultimately, heartbreaking. In the end, Fin left, leaving her with a wound she thought would never heal.  

She thought maybe, just maybe, he would come back. But instead, he moved on. He married someone else. That was the moment Maya stopped believing in love. If the man who once promised her forever could leave so easily, how could she ever trust another promise again?  

Then, there was Miles.  

Miles had always been there, in the background, watching her from afar. He wanted her, maybe even loved her, but his own insecurities kept him from pursuing her. He convinced himself he wasn’t enough that she would never choose him over the ghost of Fin. And so, he ignored her, pushing away his feelings, hoping that one day they would disappear.  

But they never did.  

One day, he realized something while he had spent years hiding, Maya had spent years healing. And as much as she had loved Fin, he was her past. Miles wanted to be her future.  

So, for the first time, he didn’t hold back.  

He pursued her with confidence, with certainty. He didn’t just want her; he wanted to build a life with her. And when he finally asked her to marry him, he didn’t ask with hesitation. He asked with the conviction of a man who knew he would love her forever.  

But Maya froze.  

The words hung in the air, suffocating her. She should have felt happy. She should have been grateful. But all she felt was fear.  

A promise to marry

That was what Fin had once given her too. And then, he left.  

She looked at Miles, at the hope in his eyes, at the way he was offering her a future. But how could she take it when all she had ever known was that promises were made to be broken? That love could be given so easily, only to be taken away just as fast?  

Tears welled in her eyes, but she didn’t answer.  

Because she didn’t know how to believe in love anymore.  

She wanted to move on. She truly did. But deep down, she knew the truth her love for Fin had never left her. It was still there, buried under years of hurt, but strong enough that no one else had ever been able to replace him.  

And that was the problem, she searched for him in every man she met.  

Miles, he was almost like Fin. The way he smiled, the way he looked at her, even the way he spoke so similar, but never the same. And that was the hardest part. he's not Fin.

And he never would be.  

The realization consumed her, made her overthink every little thing. What if she said yes but never truly loved Miles the way he deserved? What if she was just chasing a shadow of the man she lost? What if she was only trying to fill a void that could never be filled?  

For the first time, she admitted to herself that she didn’t have the answer.  

So instead of making promises she wasn’t ready to keep, she did the only thing she could do, she followed the flow.  She try to let go of the pressure to choose, the need to force herself into something she wasn’t ready for. And instead of searching for love, she chose to focus on herself.  

Because maybe love wasn’t something to be chased. Maybe it was something that would find her when she was finally ready.  

And right now, she wasn’t.  

Miles saw the hesitation in her eyes, the battle she was fighting within herself. And though it hurt, he understood.  

So he did the one thing no other man had done for her before.  

He let her take her time.  

And whether or not she would ever choose him, he would wait. Because if there was one thing he knew it was that Maya deserved a love she never had to question.  

And for the first time in years, Maya let herself breathe.  

She wasn’t choosing between the past or the future anymore.  

She was choosing herself.  

-AMS

Maya loved him with everything she had. Too much, maybe. She once thought love was about giving, about waiting, about holding on even when nothing was given back. At first, she asked small things, tiny gestures, a moment of his time. But each request was met with silence or a sigh too heavy for something so light.  

So, she stopped.  

Stopped asking, stopped expecting, stopped hoping. She learned to settle for the quiet presence of a man who never really saw her, never really felt the weight of her love.  One night, beneath the dim glow of her bedside lamp, she picked up a pen and let her heart spill onto the page.  

I asked for a star, but the sky was too vast,  

So I learned to love the dark instead.  

I reached for your hand, but the space was too wide,  

So I held my own and smiled instead.  

I whispered your name in the silence of night,  

But silence, it echoed alone.  

I gave you my heart with hands open wide,  

But love isn't love on one side alone.  

So I’ll love you quiet, love you still,  

Without a plea, without a sound.  

For asking for more is asking for air,  

And I have learned, I must not drown.  

She closed the notebook, tucking away her words like she had tucked away her dreams. And in the stillness of her room, she realized—love, when unreturned, is not love.  

It is longing. It is loneliness. It is letting go.  

And maybe, one day, she would.

-AMS

Maya clutched her boarding pass tightly, her heart heavy as she navigated through the crowded airport. The bustling environment mirrored the whirlwind of emotions within her—anxious, regretful, and uncertain. Last night’s argument with Fin replayed in her mind like a haunting echo. Harsh words were exchanged, and while she regretted them, pride had kept her from reaching out.

The announcement for her flight broke her thoughts. She glanced around the terminal one last time, scanning the sea of faces. Fin wasn’t there. A pang of disappointment hit her chest. He always knew how to be there for her, even when she tried to push him away.

With a deep sigh, Maya stepped onto the plane, her steps slow and reluctant. She found her seat by the window, gazing out as the ground crew prepared for takeoff. Her chest tightened with a mix of sadness and anticipation for the new life awaiting her in a distant city.

The overhead announcement signaled the final boarding call, and soon after, a figure approached her row. Maya didn’t bother looking up until a familiar voice murmured, “Excuse me, I think this is my seat.”

Her head whipped around, her breath catching as she met Fin’s eyes. He was slightly out of breath, his travel bag slung over one shoulder.

“Fin?” she whispered, barely believing it.

He shrugged, a soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Couldn’t let you leave without me, could I?”

Maya’s eyes brimmed with tears, and she couldn’t help but laugh through the sobs that escaped her. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

“I’ve been told,” Fin replied, settling into the seat beside her. “But I couldn’t let our fight be the last thing between us.”

The flight passed in a blur of laughter, shared dreams, and whispered apologies. Fin’s presence made Maya feel lighter, his optimism grounding her when her worries took flight.

When they landed in her new city, Fin stuck by her side, helping her settle into her small apartment and exploring the unfamiliar streets. His reassurance and humor turned her fear of the unknown into an adventure she never thought she’d enjoy.

But the day eventually came when Fin had to leave. Standing at the doorway of her apartment, Maya clung to him, wishing time would freeze.

“You’ve got this, Maya,” he said softly, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

Her tears threatened to spill as she whispered, “I don’t want you to go. Can’t you stay?”

“You know I would if I could,” Fin said, his voice thick with emotion. “But this is your journey, and I’ll always be just a call away.”

He leaned down, pressing a kiss to her forehead before stepping back. As he disappeared down the hallway, Maya felt the emptiness settle in. But within that emptiness was also hope, because Fin’s love was something she carried with her no matter how far apart they were.

And though their paths diverged, Maya knew this was only the beginning of a story still being written, one where their hearts remained connected, no matter the distance.

-AMS

Maya always loved New Year’s Eve. Not for the champagne, the resolutions, or the raucous parties—but for the fireworks. Every year, without fail, she’d find a spot under the open sky, watching as the night exploded into cascades of shimmering lights.  

Years ago, it had been different. She wasn’t alone then. It was their tradition, hers and Finn’s. They’d huddle together on a couch, waiting for the clock to strike midnight.  

As they waited, they’d talk for hours, letting their conversations wander freely, like the stars scattered across the sky. They’d laugh until their sides ached, reminiscing about embarrassing moments, sharing dreams they’d never told anyone, and debating silly questions like what superpower they’d want or what kind of animal they want to be.  

“You’re impossible,” Maya would say, laughing so hard she could barely breathe.  

“And yet, here you are, stuck with me,” Finn would reply, his grin wide enough to rival the crescent moon above.  

When the fireworks finally began, they’d pause, their chatter silenced by the spectacle of light and sound. Finn would look at Maya then, his expression soft and full of something unspoken. He’d always tilt her chin up at the first burst of color, sealing the moment with a kiss that felt like a promise, like a perfect punctuation mark to their endless conversations.  

But life, unpredictable as the sparks in the sky, took them on separate paths. Their breakup was quiet, mutual, but it left a void so deep that Maya wasn’t sure if time could ever fill it.  

Still, every New Year’s Eve, she returned to their spot. Alone now and she waited for the fireworks.  

She didn’t go to mourn the end of their story. No, she went to remember. Each burst of color in the sky brought back a piece of him—the way his eyes lit up like the golden sparks, the way his laughter echoed like the crackling finale, the way they used to talk and laugh as if the world existed only for them.  

People often asked why she still celebrated alone, why she loved the fireworks so much. She’d smile softly and say, “They remind me of the best moments in my life.”  

Deep down, Maya knew she hadn’t stopped loving Finn. The fireworks were her silent message to the universe, a way of saying she still cherished him. Each flickering light was a whisper to the past, a hope that somewhere, he might remember too.  

As the clock struck midnight, Maya looked up at the sky ablaze with light. “Happy New Year, Finn,” she whispered, her words lost in the roaring crowd.  

Far away, under a different sky, Maya closed her eyes, hoping with all her heart that Finn felt the same as she did.  

-AMS

 Today was "another episode" of me in my lowest time. 

People understand a little thing about you and only thought that they understand most of your story based on what you told them instead of them really get deeply to you, and understand you more to something you actually hide inside. 

We can feel how people think of us, feel towards us. We know, that's why little things from them matter to us the most especially during the lowest time. They thought about things they should do like;

Someone to talk with, They listen. Comfort, They comfort us with good talks.

It is not easy to understand someone especially understand a person who doesn't talk about how they really feel inside. Someone tend to keep it to themselves because they know how hard it is to be understandable by people. We, myself are the hardest human being to ever talk or show what we really felt inside and we tend to tell them the story only, the part that people can understand. 

Understanding a person is never easy. It's like looking at the ocean where the surface looks calm where waves are like those problems you can understand how and why it happens but have you ever wonder what is really happened in the ocean? Nothing can be predicted, but if we try to make an effort to study the things that happen in the depth ocean, we might find the answer. What I am trying to relate is the situation. the ocean is like a person while the waves are like their problems. We know the problems based on what we heard from the person, but deep inside, do we really understand what the person is trying to tell... or do we understand what we should understand? 

My mind is twisted, right now. 

If you can understand what I am trying to relate about the ocean and someone feelings, I am thankful. At least you don't have to question things or even mock my writing just because you don't understand what I am trying to tell. 

I know how it feels to be numb. It all happened when no one really understands you and you have the thought that no one can really understand you. Some choose to be numb because even though they tell, no one can actually understand the truth. 

It's been awhile, 

Goodnight x