When you said it was easy for me, it really wasn’t. I’ve loved you from the moment I started getting to know you. It all began with that conversation at Starbuck when I turned down meeting my friends just to spend more time with you.  

I fell even deeper when we shared our first kiss, something that meant so much to me even if no one else could understand it. I kept telling you I loved you during our FaceTime calls, even when you never said it back.  

The day we decided to let go over something as small as your past was the most impulsive and regrettable decision I’ve ever made. But even then, I never stopped loving you. Not when you chose someone else, not when I tried to move on. No matter who I was with, I never loved anyone the way I loved you.  

When you came back, it felt like a miracle like my prayers had finally been answered. For years, all I asked for was another chance with you. And I promised myself that no matter how hard it got, I would stay. I never set a limit, never decided when to stop.  

Having you again was one of the happiest moments of my life, because I could feel that love again even if it was only one-sided. I knew it wasn’t right, but I chose to stay anyway, selfishly, just to have you in my life again.  

But it hurt. The jealousy, the insecurity it was overwhelming. I may have made mistakes, but they didn’t come from a lack of love. They came from feeling lost, from letting myself become someone I didn’t recognize anymore.  

If only you knew, I was hurting too. I spent that entire year waiting for you. My mood depended on you more than it ever should have. When you didn’t reply, I felt insecure. I felt like I was losing you over and over again. But you never saw that part of me. You only saw my mistakes, and in your eyes, I became the worst version of myself.  

I tried, again and again, to fix us to make you see that I was always choosing you. But you never really saw me as someone who loved you deeply, truly, and for so long. You never had to beg, and I never expected you to because I know love isn’t something you can force.  

I forgave you, every time even for the smallest things that hurt me. I forgave you when you made me feel replaceable, when I became more insecure because of everything I learned. You never said sorry, and I never asked you to. But somehow, I was always the one begging for forgiveness, always the one trying to fix what was broken.  

No matter how hard I tried, you never gave us the space to rebuild, even a little. You never tried to hold on to me.  

Letting go was never easy. I did it for you because you hated me that much, even while I still loved you deeply. It took me months to understand, and even longer to find the courage to finally let go.  

I used to love you alone before… so maybe I can learn to do it again. But if it were easy, I wouldn’t feel this much.  

That cup was just an excuse to see you again… but somehow, it became the end of everything.

-AMS